[Satire] A Real Enthusiast

It seems like every time I turn around there’s a new car YouTuber, automotive photographer, professional detailer, etc., etc., etc. The problem is all of these people claim to be “real car enthusiasts,” but they’re not. Today I am going to break down what it takes to be a real car enthusiast.

As the proud owner of legendary cars such as several Nissan Skylines, Acura and Honda NSXs, Lamborghinis, and even a Bugatti Veyron, I can honestly say it’s stressful. These days most of these so-called “car enthusiasts” are just posting video after video, chasing clout and internet fame, but they’re lacking one of the most important aspects of being a real car enthusiast. 

So what are the most important aspects of being a real car enthusiast? We’ll get there. I want to start off by giving a huge thanks to our first official sponsor, OCTANE HIGH-SPEED Lithium-Ion Batteries. From electric cars to cell phones, chances are Lithium-Ion Batteries have had a positive impact on your life. Next time you purchase a battery just think, “I wouldn’t settle for that eBay turbo, so why should I settle for a low-powered battery?” 

Now that the bills are paid, back to what we were talking about. I consider myself the biggest car enthusiasts ever. All my cars are manual. Some of my cars are NA and some are forced induction. None of this has anything to do with how I’ve managed to establish my dominance as the GOAT of all things automotive. Enough with the stalling. I think it’s about time I really tell you what you came here to find out.

If you want to get anywhere close to my level, you’re going to have to make sacrifices. First, a real car enthusiast MUST wear socks. If you don’t wear socks while you’re driving, you’re going nowhere. Now, before you leave, let me explain… At this point, everyone should be wearing a seatbelt. If you go to track days, drag race, drift, or anything else, a seatbelt is mandatory. Socks are seat belts for your toes. Feet belts, if you will. When I’m cornering at 3 Gs in my dedicated track cars, the LAST thing I want to think about are my toes flopping around. In a recent article about trail braking, Matt mentions heel-toe braking and left-foot braking. Can you imagine going into a turn at speed, attempting to gradually ease onto the brakes, but you can’t because one toe is going one direction and the rest of your toes are going the another? Somebody better call the toe truck because you’re about to go off the track…

The next thing that no one seems to think about is the driver’s seat, slip angle. Why no one is talking about this blows my mind. Imagine going into a corner and finding out your race seats aren’t actually holding you in place. The reason is due to the alignment of the fabric. Again, overlooked by virtually everyone. In the last three to five years, I’ve spent countless hours trying to find the perfect seat fabric to achieve the perfect driver’s seat, slip angle. After conducting research, I’ve found ONE car that offers the optimum amount of slip angle in the fabric to reupholster my racing seats. The car is the 2003 Chrysler PT Cruiser GT specifically the ones made between March and July. There’s no amount of words that I can type to reinforce how good the fabric is. Just take my word for it. 

The last thing people need to understand to be a real car enthusiast is debadging your car. Badges and logos are ridiculous. They look ostentatious, weigh a ton, and destroy aerodynamics. Every time you get behind the wheel of a car, your goal should be winning. You can NOT win a race when you’re lugging around 75 years of “heritage” on the front and rear bumpers. Couple that with the fact that they are giant parachutes creating enough drag to bring the world to a halt and now you know why I hate badges. The one non-race related aspect of debadging a car I love is how low key your car becomes. When I debadged my Veyron, I would drive through the city and see kids punching each other yelling “SLUG BUG BLUE. NO TAG BACKS.” I successfully changed my Veyron into a car I can drive without worrying about. My Veyron is now a sleeper, and I don’t need to worry about others bugging me.

To sum things up, a real car enthusiast, and I mean REAL, focuses on all aspects of cars. It’s easy to put on a new suspension, turbo, or a big wing, but the details of cars go way deeper than that. I could go on all day about other topics that have helped me achieve automotive nirvana. I figured I would take a step down to everyone else’s level and try to guide them to what they never knew they needed.

*This article is purely satire and not to be taken seriously.*